Introducing a new partner to your children

When you break the news, don’t downplay your new relationship, but also don’t share too many details

It’s best to present the situation as it is, without being too vague about the nature of your relationship or its duration, but also without going into too much detail.

Also, avoid painting an overly flattering picture of your new partner. Your child will be able to form his or her own opinion when the time comes.

You could start by telling your child what your new partner’s name and job is, and whether he or she has children.

Last, choose an appropriate time and place to tell your child about your new partner. It’s best not to make it too formal, to avoid generating anxiety.

Do you need to tell your ex about your new partner?

If you and your ex have a civil relationship, it may be a good idea to tell him or her directly that you’re in a new relationship, or even to arrange a meeting without children. This way, you won’t be burdening your child with a secret or with the responsibility of informing your ex.

However, make sure your ex doesn’t tell your child his or her opinion about your new relationship. These comments could affect the way your child copes with this new person in his or her life.

Clarify the roles and expectations

Before introducing your new partner to your child, think about the role you’d like him or her to play in your blended family.

Your new partner will certainly have a say in the matter. You and your partner must agree on the values and ground rules of your relationship, especially if you’re living together, so that your child has clear rules to follow.

Depending on his or her age, your child may be able to express expectations and concerns about your new relationship. Having an open and frank discussion on the topic as often as necessary can help you avoid misunderstandings or frustration.

What decisions affecting your child can your new partner make?

If it’s an important decision that should normally be made by both parents, such as giving consent for your child to receive medical treatment, your new partner can intervene only if both you and your ex authorize it.

If it’s a day-to-day decision that’s not considered important (such as choosing meals), it’s up to you to determine how much your new partner can participate.

In some cases, you’ll have to put this authorization in writing if an institution requests it.

What Is the Stepparent’s Role? (Éducaloi)

On the day you introduce your partner, give your child some space

When your child meets your new partner for the first time, allow your child to express his or her feelings without trying to force his or her hand.

• Choose a place or an activity that lets the child move some distance away from you (for example, near a playground).
• Avoid making your child feel uncomfortable by showing your partner too much affection.
• Accept your child’s reactions, especially the negative ones: listen and give reassurance.
  Don’t expect an immediate connection between your partner and your child: It may take some time, and several encounters, before they really feel comfortable around each other.

Listen to your child’s feelings

Your child may not react well to the changes and might even reject your new partner.

It’s important to listen to your child’s feelings and understand that your new partner’s presence might spark a conflict of loyalty or a fear of being abandoned by you.

To reassure your child, you can explain that your new partner isn’t a replacement for the other parent. You can also try to maintain your parenting habits as much as possible, to show your child that your relationship won’t change even though a new person is now in your life.

If you have several children, it’s not uncommon for each of them to react differently, so you’ll need to adapt your message to each child.

New Relationships, Dating and Blended Families (Government of Canada)