Caregivers: 7 tips to help you move forward after a family member or friend dies

Welcome your emotions, don’t resist them

Losing a family member or a friend can trigger unexpected reactions. You may tend to suppress your emotions or feel a mixture of sadness, anxiety, frustration, relief tinged with guilt, or a sense of powerlessness and discouragement.

These reactions can vary in intensity and duration, depending on the time and energy you invested in your role and the unique nature of your relationship with your family member or friend. The main thing is to welcome these emotions without resistance or self-judgment.

Suggestions:

• Accept that emotions can come and go and may not be constant.
• Give yourself permission to express whatever you feel, and understand that it’s actually normal to feel relieved and guilty at the same time. All emotions are legitimate.
• Consult a health professional or someone in your immediate circle if you feel the need to talk. There are also community resources, local support groups, and organizations that can help you cope during this difficult period.

When caregiving ends (Family Caregiver Alliance)

La culpabilité (In French only) (Nicole Bordeleau)

How adults experience bereavement (Government of Québec)

Prioritize your needs

When your responsibilities as a caregiver end, you’ll suddenly have more time on your hands. This can come as a shock because you were used to being very busy. Your life was intimately linked to your family member or friend’s life and punctuated by medical appointments and daily support.

You took on multiple responsibilities as a caregiver, and it might be hard to determine what to do next. Take time to think about your aspirations and what you’d like to do in the future. Be patient with yourself during this process.

Suggestions:

• Take advantage of time alone to reconnect with yourself.
• Focus on one objective per day, as small as it may be, to maintain a sense of accomplishment.
• Make time for activities you enjoy, such as going to the movies, eating out, playing sports, gardening, etc.
• Try activities or accept invitations you might have declined in the past.
• Look for local or community groups that share your interests. For example, Cercles de Fermières du Québec provides an ideal environment to make new friends and take part in various activities.
• Practice relaxation activities such as meditation to bring your attention back to the present and focus on positive thoughts.

Prendre soin de vous (In French only) (Mieux traverser le deuil)

Rest

After providing support as caregivers for some or many years, many people develop physical and emotional fatigue. This state of exhaustion generally occurs after bearing a heavy mental load or being under significant stress for a long time.

This fatigue can affect various aspects of your life, including changes in appetite, headaches, difficulty sleeping, and other physical and emotional signs. You may also feel incapable of completing daily tasks, staying focused, or organizing yourself effectively.

It’s important to recognize these signs and take care of yourself during this period by maintaining a healthy lifestyle and getting rest.

Suggestions:

• Establish good sleep habits (go to bed and get up at regular times and get 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night).
• Give yourself time to sleep. Resting can help release tension in the body and re-energize you.
• Do quiet and relaxing activities such as reading a book, doing a puzzle, or watching a movie.
• Take advantage of natural light by going for walks.
• Practice yoga; the poses and breathing exercises can help you regain energy and fight fatigue.
• Make an appointment with a massage therapist to help you relax, reduce stress, and relieve muscle or joint pain.

Reconnect with people in your social circle

When you lose someone you love, some people in your social circle will want to comfort you, while others will gradually distance themselves. During the mourning period, it may be best to accept these changes in your relationships. Over time, you’ll rebuild a solid and healthy support network.

If there’s someone you’d like to see again, try taking the initiative. Arrange a meeting to get closer to people you’ve developed a special bond with during this difficult period.

Suggestions:

• Ask yourself who you’d like to spend time with and who makes you feel good.
• Find a comfortable environment for activities.
• Start with small group activities, such as inviting friends over for a potluck dinner, a card game, or lunch, or meet them at a café.

Set up rituals

Rituals will help you give meaning to the passing of your family member or friend and come to terms with their absence. Rituals also provide a symbolic space for you to express your sorrow through actions and words, making it easier to cope with the mourning process. They encourage inner reflection and meditation and help to give meaning to life after the loss.

Rituals also encourage the expression of emotions by providing a way to say goodbye, pay your respects, open yourself up to your feelings, and find meaning in your grief.

Rituals can be performed alone or in a group. A group can help to make you feel more comforted and supported.

Suggestions:

• Donate the person’s clothing and personal belongings to people in need (keep a few mementos, too).
• Put together a photo album or a scrapbook illustrating some of the most important moments in their life.
• Write a song, poem, or letter in honour of your family member or friend.
• Keep a journal in which you write to the person.
• Plant flowers or a tree.
• Organize a celebration with friends or family members on an anniversary.
• Redistribute medical supplies to people in need or to a hospital.
• Thank the people who have been there for you and your family member or friend by sending a thank you card, calling them, or going to see them. You can also invite them to visit you. This can give you a chance to take a well-deserved break and gently reconnect with them.

Que faire des objets? (In French only) (Mieux traverser le deuil)

La fonction thérapeutique des rituels (In French only) (Mieux traverser le deuil)

Take stock of your experience as a caregiver and find meaning in it

Taking stock of what you’ve been through can help you gain perspective , better understand the emotions you felt while you were a caregiver, and identify skills and knowledge you’ve acquired that can be transferred to other areas of your life.

This reflection can also help you prepare for the future and similar situations. The status of caregiver may be temporary, but it could also arise again in the future. By thinking about this period, you can get to know yourself better and learn strategies to manage these responsibilities.

You can also choose to put this experience behind you. That wouldn’t mean you’re erasing it; rather, you’d simply be choosing to turn the page and explore new opportunities and personal goals.

Suggestions:

• Take stock of your experience as a caregiver and make a list of:
  
  
  • Three things you’re grateful for.
  • Two things you’ve learned.
  • Two lessons you can take away from this experience.
  • Mistakes, regrets, or hard choices you made while you were a caregiver and that you want to forgive yourself for.
  • Things you’d like to change to improve your physical and mental well-being.
• Join a group of former caregivers to share your experience.
• Give back to the community by getting involved in volunteer activities, for example with an organization that supports caregivers.

10 questions essentielles sur le bilan personnel (In French only) (Nicole Bordeleau)